The parent trap

About Post-scarcity notes: As the staff of The Public Interest Network advocate for a cleaner, greener, healthier world, from time to time we’ll share observations on the larger challenge facing our network and our society: How do we shift the dominant paradigm — the very way in which we see and make sense of the world — from disposable to sustainable, from “never enough” to “enough,” from “making a living” to “living.” The views expressed in this space relate to our work, but do not necessarily represent the position of the network or its organizations.

Here’s a conundrum: Parents in the United States collectively have never had it better. We’re wealthier, better educated and have more government support than our parents and their parents and their parents before them. Yet 48% of parents in the U.S. report that their stress levels are “completely overwhelming.”

It’s so bad, says U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, that he’s issued a report calling attention to “the stress and mental health concerns facing parents and caregivers and to lay out what we can do to address them.”

I get it. I’m a mom who sometimes struggles with both the existential and the mundane. Whether it’s my then-7 year old crying in bed in the evenings because he learned there may not be enough water to drink if the planet keeps warming; or just recently, when my 13 year old announced she needs a long list of supplies TODAY for her Girl Scout trip, she has a zero on her math assignment, and the pain she’s been feeling in her ribs is back. It’s just too much!

At the same time, there’s something wrong with this picture. Why are today’s parents, who have more comforts, conveniences and resources than any previous generation, so stressed and so often overwhelmed? Will a bigger child tax credit and the suite of other public policy changes that Murthy recommends solve this dilemma? Or is there something else happening here?

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. For one thing, every child is different, so every parent’s challenges (and blessings) are different. But here are two thoughts on how to make parenting less stressful.

1. What if gratitude played a more central role in our culture, and envy a smaller role – wouldn’t that help?

Right now I am thinking about calling for a second opinion about my 13 year old’s lingering pain. That’s stressful for both of us. Yet I also need to remind myself to keep some perspective. Of children born in Europe and North America around the year my great grandmother was born, about 2 in 10 would die before their fifth birthday. That number had dropped all the way to 1 in 100 in the U.S. by the year my son was born.

Yes, our days can definitely be overfull. But what if “more time caring for … children” is a blessing, not just a stressor. A family I know shares stories about how their two small children used to spend hours in the backyard sans parents when their nurse and cop shift work lined up badly. They’re proud their kids were so responsible and resilient; and they’re a little sad for the hours they didn’t get to spend with their kids. And they treasure how much time their grandchildren now get with the adults who love them.

Walking to middle school with friends.Photo by Marcia Eldridge | Used by permission

2. While this won’t help parents today or tomorrow, just imagine how much less stressful and more fulfilling parenting would be if we reimagined our world.

Maybe people could work less because we no longer organized our economy around producing and consuming “more.” Maybe if the entire internet wasn’t being monetized, we’d have a more useful tool in that smartphone instead of something that is addictive and risky for our kids. Maybe we could reorganize our cities and towns and workplaces around community—more walking and biking to nearby work, school, more open spaces for spontaneous play.

Maybe, in other words, it’s not parenting that’s leaving people overwhelmed; it’s a way of living that no longer makes sense.

Family bike ride at Cade’s Cove in Tennessee. On Wednesdays, the national park closes the road to cars, which makes it possible to take small children on the bike ride.Photo by Marcia Eldridge | Used by permission